Digital Love: Why digitalization and dating don’t go together

by Danai Rossalidis

Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Lovoo or Badoo have long since become part of our everyday vocabulary. Finding love, romance, sex, adventure or any kind of togetherness online is no longer anything new. Dating in the digital sphere has become part of our normality. In times of digitalization and technologization, it seems easier than ever to find the “perfect match”. But why then is the majority of the young population still single? And why do we find online dating more difficult and frustrating than ever?

The age of Tinder and co.: where everything seems possible yet nothing is real

Be it the age of digitalization, global networks and pandemics, frustration with being alone or simply boredom with everyday life: many of us find ourselves facing the seemingly inevitable entry into the vast world of online dating. If online dating used to be laughed at, “swiping” for love has now become almost cult. What makes Tinder & co. so popular? Why do we keep catching ourselves pressing the red flame button in the silent hope for another “perfect match”, while the other 20/30 matches fizzle out in incoherent gibberish or vanish into thin air like ghosts?

The normal process of online dating is as follows: you match, text for a few hours or days and then meet for a coffee or drink. After that, there are two scenarios: in the first one, you have been fooled by the photos or the physical appearance of the person and now find yourself in front of someone with whom it just does not “vibe” at all. Then the date is brought to an end as quickly as possible in order to (hopefully) never meet the person again. In the second scenario, a certain “connection” is noticeable and a sympathy for the counterpart is present. Unfortunately, this is often hindered by the spasmodic pressure that it must be a date. If you are lucky this can be overcome and the date may end with a smile, a goodbye wave, even a kiss or a night together. What comes next is unfortunately not so pleasant. In that moment one of the other 20/30 matches has decided to respond and we are back to scenario one: someone “ghosts” the other and as fast as the flame ignited it is extinguished.

These apps promises an unlimited selection of possible partners and the possibility to find either your great love or the next adventure, on the go and at any time with just one swipe. The speed is fast, the selection large, and the responsibility small. So, it seems to be a perfect fit for the needs of our generation. But with the many possibilities these apps open for us, they also confront us with new, unfamiliar challenges. With a few exceptions where Cupid’s arrow actually hits, many are often left frustrated by rejection, disappointment and unmet expectations. What also negatively affects our dating experience is the insidious behaviour that online dating evokes in us. We are under constant pressure to keep someone’s attention due to the selection and pace, or we get bored quickly and don’t give anyone enough time. We want to give someone attention and win them over, but at the same time not seem “needy” in fear of not being cool enough. And we only let ourselves get involved with a person as far as we don’t run the risk of getting hurt. Furthermore, we never invest 100 per cent on a single person, always having at least one more up our sleeve in case it doesn’t work out with the first one.

At the same time, it’s very limited to really get to know or even like someone based on five to six photos and a few text messages. Online dating is still a bubble of impersonality, where we can be who they want, wear a mask and not really have to face anyone. Hiding behind the screen means never having to take responsibility for your actions.

Between a swipe, a match and a text, honesty, openness and real feelings are left on the sidelines.

Big Data meets Love: how do we fall in love in the future?

We are already in a time where our social behaviour lags behind technological advances. Cultural changes are slow and gradual. New dating apps, however, are popping up rapidly and in huge numbers. We find ourselves caught between new technologies and outdated norms. In an environment of unlimited possibilities and no guidebook, we often lose ourselves. Despite being acutely overwhelmed by digitalization and its consequences, we will have to deal for better or worse with further digital advances in the future. Some futuristic science fiction films and series such as “The One” show us what this could look like in terms of our dating behaviour.

In the series “The One”, through a genetic test people have the opportunity to find their “perfect match”, the one great love with whom they would like to spend the rest of their lives. What may sound completely suspicious and futuristic at first is not so far from our reality. A study by the zukunftsInstitut shows that in the future we will be able to get more and more suitable partner suggestions based on Big Data. This works based on more data collected about our usage behaviour not only online, but also in the physical world. This is then compared and matched with other users. These matching mechanisms based on our individual activities online and offline are called “behavioural matching”. At the same time, the amount of data is increasing enormously due to increasing networking, which leads to an improvement of matching algorithms and should lead us even closer to “the one”.

The film “Her”, on the other side, gives us another view of our possible dating behaviour in the future. In the film, the main character Theodore falls in love with “Samantha,” an operating system that has been adapted to him. He communicates with Samantha and experiences how quickly she learns about him and his social interactions. From then on, she becomes more and more human to him. Based on intense communication between the two, an intimate relationship between human and operating system develops. The film shows the direction in which technology and love can develop. It points out how an extreme technologization of our private lives and especially of our emotional world can lead to a distancing from reality.

How does one love today?

You can rant and rave about Tinder and co, but at the end of the day, we are all social beings who long for affection, tenderness, and human contact – and we do it via online dating. We cannot escape technological developments. Therefore, we need to change them according to our preferences and needs. Our dating behaviour should not be the bad product of their emergence. Much more, our personal behaviour needs to change. This does not have to mean deleting all apps in order to get to know someone in “real life” like “in the good old days”, even though that is of course also great. No, it means a more conscious approach to dating apps. This means being respectful, tolerant and open towards the other person. And most importantly being truthful to yourself and others about what you expect from dating. There is no golden rule on how to behave exactly. Dating expectations are individual and different for each person. Therefore, you should give every new acquaintance the chance to express themselves and respond to them honestly.

We have to be aware that behind every profile there is a person who has not yet given up hope of finding love. And what could be more beautiful than a person who believes in love? That’s why we need more honesty, mindfulness, the courage to express our feelings, and more “real life” in the digital sphere!


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